http://www.blipfoto.com/Jarmain

long time no blog

Hopefully, I am over my paranoia and ready to open up my blog a bit more.
For photos join me on:

you kids are gonna love it.

fat is a feminst issue

or is it?
Do I want to lose weight for me or to look better? to feel better? or will I be different inside if I am different on the outside?
I would be healthier.
I have a mountain of excuses NOT to go on a VLCD, least of all the money.
But actually, the more I think about it, the more I eat!
I need to get on and DO something about it.
When?
When will I get my are into gear people?

You see, I have never been thin.
or is this what I tell myself?
I was much slimmer and there are photos to prove this, before I had my daughter, I was healthier and slimmER, not thin. It would be nice to be like that again...
What about the spare skin?
A disgusting thought and there's no way I would have surgery.
What if I felt worse about myself?
What if my self esteem took a dive even when slimmer and healthier? Surely that's not possible?
How can I lose my lovely large breasts? (the upside of being "big"is great tits)
Excuses
Excuses

peace

Its extraordinary how peaceful it is before anyone else gets up.
I had a massively productive day on Friday and now feel able to relax and enjoy myself.

Its a real shame I can't be motivated to go back to the gym just yet.
Maybe will go today.
I always feel much brighter and full of energy after a session on the treadmill and even the weights, but it's getting there! The foot in the door bit is hardest!

Sunny and smiley today.

Its so nice when you focus on the good stuff that everything seems better.
Sounds stupidly obvious, so why didn't I think of this before?
Happiness is all over the place, I just been looking in the other bleedin' direction!
For example:
last night met old friend for drink in the pub and it was great fun!
The best bit was talking with my boyf and enjoying his company
(he has been there all the time!)
Today, BBQ with best friend at her place when she loves to play host and spoil us all. The food is boud to be great and wine flowing.
Then Monday night, Diva extraodinaire Miss Whitney Houston at the O2, a venue in London that is amazin'
See? (I talk to myself now)
All good...

on reflection

Whilst I cannot and should not say what has happened at work, I am able to describe the effect (affect?) it has had on me.
I feel like I have been shot in the back of the head.
Come to a standstill and realise there is blood leaking from somewhere but I can't find the wound.

I exaggerate?
perhaps.
I have been bought up sort by my own arrogance (overconfidence?)
Also, I am aware that the team I work with are absolutely without question "out to get me".
I need to remain focused but the stress is tangible when you feel you have to be "beyond reproach" as a leader.
Is it worth it? is my job worth the stress? probably, yes.
At the moment it's just a probably.

I am challenging myself with some extra work in a different environment which will either give me a boost and take me back to my personal values and beliefs or will make me think, oh-oh I need a new career!!!
We watch and wait and see..

mistakes and misapprehensions

have realised I need to be confidential about work stuff but cannot work out how to delete previous.

Anyway

My personal feelings are just that.
The previous post talked about being accused of something by my team.
Good news is that it came to nothing!!

yay